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Just Plain Stupid-Ridiculous Christmas Gifts

There are quite a few things on this site that make me scratch my head and wonder.

Things that I think are silly, but I guess other people don't.

There are actually some odd things that are kinda funny.

But these ones... they leave me guessin'

See if you can work them out...

 

 

Giant Plush Microbes

I remember when these first came out; I thought "No one could possibly want a cuddly little specimen of Gonorrhea (or whatever) to snuggle up to!" Boy was I wrong. These things are still selling by the truckload and I simply don't understand why.

Giant Plush Microbes

 

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

Okay, for all its utter, utter ridiculousness, I admit it: I want one of these!

If the words Hoth, Rebel Base, Wampa, AT-AT, and Ion Canon don't mean anything to you, then this is not the sleeping bag you're looking for. Move along, move along...

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag
Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

 

"Weapons for a more civilised age"

And while we're on the Star Wars geek-out, get a load of these:

Star Wars Force FX Lightsabers
Star Wars Force FX Lightsabers

What?! Not nerd enough for ya? Well then...

Star Wars Force FX Removable Blade Lightsabers
Star Wars Force FX Removable Blade Lightsabers

 

Screaming Monkey Slingshot

Fling this fella about and he'll wail as he goes. Then wail some more when he hits the ground. The greater the fling or the fall, the more scream you get. This sounds like one of those toys that parents regret buying. Or that they hate Uncle Roger for buying (until Easter at least).

Screaming Monkey Slingshot

 

When you wish upon a star...

From sports stars to real stars. Here's an outfit that'll actually let you buy a star in the night sky!

Buy a star and name it and then gaze into the Milky Way and not be able to distinguish it from any of the other 400 trillion or so. But it's yours, dammit.

Name a star

 

And talking of gazing...

Why oh why would anyone want one of these on the wall of their room?

"Dear Santa, I'd like to feel like I'm either in prison or a hobbit on a life-or-death quest. Please bring me one of those ghastly wall clocks this year..."

You're Being Watched Wall Clock
You're Being Watched Wall Clock

 

Twist equation alarm clock

And now from wall clocks to alarm clocks: This is so ridiculous it's funny! Ever have trouble getting out of bed in the morning? Prone to hitting the snooze button or just switching that sucker off? Well, no more! In order to stop this alarm clock working, you need to solve a math problem. Uuurgggh!

Twist Equation Alarm Clock
Twist Equation Alarm Clock

 

Flying alarm clock

Here's another one for the snooze-button fiends: When the alarm starts going off, the rotor twirls and zips off to... somewhere in your room! The thing is, that little rotor is also the key to shutting off that brain-drilling buzzing noise.

Know someone who's a heavy sleeper? They'll both love and hate you for this.

Flying Alarm Clock
Flying Alarm Clock

 

Clocky robotic alarm

And one more, just for good measure. Once this bad boy starts Bzzzz---ttt! Bzzzzttt---! Bzzzttt!~ing away, it just ups and pisses off! You have to catch the bugger in order to switch it off. Gee, that sounds awesome, no?

If you're a light sleeper, you don't feel the pain of morning-haters like me. These three alarm clocks sound more like torture devices to me and my brethren.

Clocky Robotic Alarm
Clocky Robotic Alarm

 

Sushi Panic Game

Put all the sushi together within the time-limit or "Whoops! Here comes an earthquake to render all that precisely-placed culinary mastery futile". Yeah.

Sushi Panic Japanese Game
Sushi Panic Japanese Game

 

Pixies and magic and all things alakazoom

Tired of just pushing that button to change channels? Waiting for that invitation to Hogwarts? Here's the solution for you! "Teach" your wand over a dozen different commands and then move it in that particular way (turn, up and down, left to right, swirl, etc.) to get the desired result.

*groan*

Magic Wand - Programmable TV Remote
Magic Wand - Programmable TV Remote

 

USB Robot Owl

I'm pretty sure this owl does absolutely nothing! Nada. Zilch. Maybe opens its eyes and looks about the place from time to time. Dunno. So why would you want it taking up one of your valuable USB ports and staring you down all day every day? Get out more, dude. Make some friends. Join a drawing class. Or go to a bar.

USB Robot Owl

 

Bacon Lip Balm & Baconnaise

On my search for the ridiculous, I turned up a number of bacon-related items. You might have seen the bacon silk scarf on this page. Well, here are a couple more that beggar belief...

Bacon Lip Balm
Bacon Lip Balm

 

Baconnaise
Baconnaise

 

Canned Unicorn Meat

I can't help but laugh at this one. Way to go on dashing little Janie's dreams, now, Dad.

Canned Unicorn Meat

 

Sports Fan...uh... toasters???

Every morning awaken to the smell of freshly cooked toast, emblazoned with your team's emblem! Spread your unicorn meat on and you're good to go. Go team!

Oh dear.

New Orleans Saints ProToast Toaster
New Orleans Saints ProToast Toaster

 

If you like this, you might also like the sports fan garden gnomes here.